To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
