ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
