swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
