some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize