Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
