i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
