I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
