**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
