My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
