Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
