Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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