so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize