The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
