i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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