Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
