GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
This is my gift to your gina
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
