i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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