I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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