i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
