he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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