ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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