oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
cat food counts as protein by the way
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
