i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
