The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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