miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize