You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
