Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
