All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I stole a fireplace last night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
