Your favorite bartender is back from prision
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
