No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize