Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
