Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
