I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
