I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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