i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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