Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
