Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
