if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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