I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's never too late to be topless.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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