We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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