Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
