The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
