I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
