sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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