Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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