i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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