I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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