Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
