My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize