just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I look better un-naked...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize