and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
