"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
