You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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