There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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