I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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