Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
