While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
