I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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