I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
